Fattitude Adjustment: Tips for Commuters: A Public Service Announcement

Get ready.

Hey there. Welcome to my own personal hell: a commute in New York City. The subways are teeming with sweaty, angry people who clip their nails and fall asleep on you, and it will take you about an hour to go 8 miles so yes, even if you are slow, you could probably jog there faster. You ready? I’ve compiled some tips to make your journey under the filthy streets of New York City a little more tolerable. Every bit of it comes from my own experience, so enjoy my hard earned wisdom. This is about the extent of it.

Stand Your Ground

First thing you’re gonna want to do is find your standing spot--the place on the platform that will give you prime access to the door when it opens upon the train’s arrival. Ideally, it is in the car that will leave you closest to the place you want to be when you arrive. It’s going to take a few days to figure it out exactly—don’t despair. For me, it’s two floor squares past the poll that has the smiley face graffiti on it. (Irony.) The door opens right in front of me, and when I get off at Union Square, I am directly in front of the staircase that takes me closest to the 4/5 train—my next destination.

Failing to find an optimum spot on the platform could lead to being boxed out of the train when it gets too crowded, or leave you lining up like cattle to get up a staircase when you get where you’re going. This could add hours onto your commute.

Avoid the Pregnant Ladies and Old People

If you’re standing on the platform with a pregnant woman, back away. Once you get on that train, if a seat does come up, you’re going to have to give it to her as you will be the only decent human on the train car who does so. If there are no seats and no one offers her a seat, you’re going to be infuriated, start yelling and saying things about CHIVALRY and NO ONE HAVING MANNERS, and generally becoming a screaming lunatic while 300 people in a car pretend they can’t hear you. Same goes with old people and people with disabilities. Homeless guys, however, generally get a whole bench to themselves. (Hashtag Benefits).

Stand Aside

Let. Them. Off. The. Train. First. Why is that so hard?

Have My Back

If you’re wearing a backpack, take it off and hold it in front of you. No one likes an asshole.

Profiling: It’s Not Just for Racist Cops Anymore

When I get on the N train after a long day of sitting on my ass, I really need to sit on my ass more—but there is never, ever a seat. So, I do what I do best: I profile the other commuters. After picking me up at 14^th Street, the N will stop at 8^th Street/NYU and then Prince Street (SoHo—affluent shopping and celeb spotting), before Canal (Chinatown) and finally onto Brooklyn, the County of Kings, Realm of the Nail Clippers.

If there is someone sitting down who looks young and desperate to be unique, I know they’re getting up at 8^th Street to head to the dorms. If they look a little bougie—if they’re wearing stylish, expensive clothes and have good highlights, there is no way they’re heading either to Canal or Brooklyn—they’ll be gone by Prince Street. Stand in front of one of these people, and you will get a seat when they get up. No one gets up to leave at Canal—instead, thousands more people pile on the train, usually holding bags of stinky fish. Enjoy it and know you’re halfway home. Get to know your fellow commuters, and you, too, will be able to use it to your advantage.

On the way to work, profiling won’t work. Everyone is headed to the city, so try to find a spot close enough to the door that you can get a few breaths of air when it opens.

When a Fight Starts, Move

I learned this the hard way. It seems pretty self explanatory, right? But chances are you’ll be so wrapped up in rage from being stuffed in a hot, smelly tin can with 300 other people who are all more despicable than you that you’ll forget that you should be minding your own physical health and instead you’ll want to start cracking skulls. Just like our friend Begby here. I have gotten punched and had the wind knocked out of me, just by standing in the wrong place at the wrong time.

If a fight is verbal but escalating and you can’t move because of the crowd, murmuring things like “it’s okay, everyone calm down” sometimes helps, but I can’t promise anything. You could always try acting crazy--insanity usually unites the less insane members of a train car in fear/derision. Which brings me to...

Do Not Engage

I have often seen people engage with some unsavory characters on the train, thinking themselves open-minded, or like the MTA's version of Mother Theresa. Look, I appreciate the sentiment. I am a sucker for an underdog--I root for the Mets. We always want to help those who are less fortunate. However, on the subway, you've got to be careful.

I'm a bit long in the tooth, and in my days, kids, I've seen it all. I've seen young women engage in philosophical conversations with strangers on the subway, I've seen them ask a homeless person about their hopes and dreams. I've also seen all of the following responses to such conversations:
-Unwelcome touching

-Stalking/following from subway car

-Public masturbation

-Public defecation

-Public urination

-Screaming of obscenities

-Throwing of garbage and other objects in the direction of said Good Samaritan

It is always a bit of schadenfreude for me to see someone who starts out thinking they're better and more tolerant than me leave the train picking chewed sunflower seed shells out of her hair (true story). I feel bad, too, though. I remember when I thought I could change the world, too. (Spoiler: You can't.)